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Someone you know has told you they have Gender Dysphoria.
Someone you know has told you they are transsexual Has someone close to you just told you they are really the gender other than they had physically been born, and you are now feeling shell shocked? A mixture of anger, embarrassment, or worry may be present when you know you should be supportive and happy for your loved one? Guess it doesn’t feel that way to you just now, and you actually are feeling the way most do when first given this ground shattering news. You’ll be running the spectrum of emotions and don’t know which way to turn, well that’s what we hope to help you with in this booklet and hope that the information will help you understand what is happening
In the above diagram, we have shown the spectrum to which the term “Transgender” is currently applied, and we should explain what each of these terms mean, and where they apply.
Transgender - This is a term which is applied to all people who have an issue with their physical or anatomical appearance, which does not conform to their desired gender or gender role. Their sexual orientation is not in conflict with the desired gender. Transexual – This term is applied to a person who identifies with the opposite gender, both psychologically and emotionally. They may experience Gender Dysphoria and may Transition in varying degrees. Crossdressers – This is normally applied to people who have no issues with their birth gender, but, for varying reasons, will wear the clothing and express the mannerisms of the opposite gender. This is often displayed by heterosexual men. Intersex - A term which refers to people who were , at birth, born with the genitalia of both sexes, and may have had corrective surgery and /or hormone treatment to conform to the gender chosen by the physician or parents. Performers – This refers to people who dress and members of the opposite sex, for entertainment purposes, and is not related to any particular gender or sexual orientation issues. Third Gender, Gender Queer, Androgyne, Polygender – This is a general category for people to identify within the umbrella, without specifically being within any of the other categories
It should be clearly recognised that the person who has talked to you about their problem, will fall under the “Transgender” umbrella, and the degree to which they feel they must change, will be unique to the individual. Although that individual may experience the feelings of being transsexual, transvestite (sometimes referred to as a cross dresser ),intersex, etc. , the degree to which the condition is affecting them will determine the course of action. In some cases, just dressing, even just occasionally, in the clothing of the opposite gender, will suffice. In a very few individual cases, the feeling is of such intensity that the person has to fully transition to that of the opposite gender. In other cases, only very minor changes such as low levels of hormones, or living a productive life, identifying neither as male or female, will be sufficient. How the individual decides which action level is sufficient for them to enjoy life and to interact with others, is purely their choice. Acceptance of themselves, and their desires to share that difference with you, should indicate the degree to which they respect you, and the hope that you will return that respect.
Ok, so let’s run through a few issues: Change – change in our lives is inevitable whether big or small in nature. Sometimes we resist changes in life purely because we fear the un-known. Gender change is an enormous change for anyone to accept who does not have to question their own birth defined sex. To accept such a change from a loved one is difficult to confront, and is easier to ignore or shut out rather than face. It’s a natural reaction and you are not alone in thinking this way. You need time to understand what these changes are, how they have occurred, and how you can overcome your own fears on facing the transitional gender based ground rules you’ve been brought up to believe. Patience – don’t set any time scales for yourself on how you wish to understand the enormity of the information you’ve received, or how you wish to proceed. It can take a long time to fully appreciate the impact this will have on your life and you may never fully realise the differences you are undergoing. There will be times when you feel frustrated or even impatient, which again, is a normal reaction, and will reduce as you gain more knowledge and insight into the condition. Remember, you do not have GID (Gender Identity Disorder), so you cannot be expected to ever fully understand what your loved one is feeling. Showing a willingness to listen and eventually accept the situation is all that may be required. Blame – it is natural to look for a reason as to why this happened and to assign blame, but to date, science has not provided any definitive answers as to how this condition occurs. So the assignment of blame cannot be placed on any individual, event, occurrence, or any other definable item. It would be better to avoid or negate any feelings of blame, as there are no answers at present. You, or your loved one, have had no part in creating this situation. It has occurred naturally from before birth, and nothing could have been done in the past to stop this condition from occurring. It is, therefore, better to move on and deal with the situation as it is presented now, and help shape a new and workable future for all concerned. Grief – to many, gender change is likened to the loss of a loved one, and the thought of some stranger taking their place. Again, this is a natural and healthy reaction, but needs to be tempered, for underneath this new image, the person you know is still alive and well. They now feel more at one and acceptable to themselves as to who, and what, they really are. That person will often be more accepting and fulfilled as a result of coming out and eventually fully transitioning to their desired gender. Communication – it is very important to maintain a dialogue with your loved one, so you can both convey how you are feeling. This will prevent either of you becoming withdrawn, and together, you can both adjust to the ongoing changes which are occurring or about to occur. Others – you can’t control tittle-tattle or gossip even if you would prefer not to be the subject of discussion. It is normal to be concerned about what others think, but it is important to limit the impact that any outside opinion has over your own opinions. By making yourself knowledgeable on the condition, you empower yourself with the information to control and handle any situations that may occur. What others think about the situation is purely due to a lack of education on their part, and what they say will not change the situation. Knowledge – when you are ready and feel that you can now control your feelings, learn about the condition by buying books, watch videos, seek out and talk to a gender counsellor, use the internet and talk to other transsexuals, go to support group meetings. There is a plethora of good information available to help you understand the condition. Your loved one is not totally unique in having the condition, so they and you are not alone, and don’t have to be alone when dealing with the issues. Counselling – there are facilities available in the NHS framework to obtain specific gender counselling, and the help of a qualified experienced professional will make a difference in your perceptions. The first port of action could be via your local GP, but is worth noting they may not have any personal experience with GID issues. Note the specialist contact details at the end of this leaflet which can help you get started. Keep a perspective – OK your loved one kept this whole situation a secret for all these years, it’s a shock and, as you didn’t see it coming, you haven’t done any preparation. There is no point in making comparisons with someone who has died, or murdered, or committed heinous crimes as they don’t lessen the impact the revelation of a loved one being transsexual has on you. However, this should be seen as an emotionally distressing medical condition which has now manifested itself. The transsexual is first and foremost a human being and should be treated with respect, especially as they have had the courage to come to you and try to explain a very complex condition to someone close to them they fully trust and respect. Prejudice – you should try to suspend any prejudices you may have and try to look at the whole subject with compassion and understanding. The rewards to be gained, even from partial acceptance, will far outweigh the negatives you feel during the time needed to come to terms with the condition. Your loved will have to face prejudice from a few in the outside world, so they really could do with support from within the family circle.SO NOW I KNOW, WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP Firstly - give yourself a pat on the back for getting to this stage. You are already part of the way there to acceptance, and by now you are hopefully realising that the loved one didn’t have a choice, and the ways to maintain a quality of life have been extremely limiting. How can you help? Be there – just having someone they can emotionally relate to, especially a supportive parent, can have a HUGE impact on the mental wellbeing of a transsexual. After all, that is why they probably sought out a parent or family member’s approval before telling anyone, since they have had a history with each other sometimes spanning decades. That emotional bond should be protected by trying to minimise the impact of your personal negative feelings about the loved ones condition. Understanding – try and relate to how much the loved one has endured in reaching a stage where they have to follow their needs through no fault of their own. Listen to what they are saying, educate yourself with knowledge about the condition, ask relevant questions and above all, maintain an open mind and sufficient level of communication. Acceptance – this is extremely difficult to achieve as you have probably known the person for a reasonably long period of time and thought you knew them quite well. This revelation has probably been a greater shock to the system than you realise, however, by small simple steps, such as using the correct gender appropriate pronouns, e.g. she, her or he, him, will show a degree of acceptance upon which to re-build the relationship. Such seemingly small gestures mean an immense amount to a transperson. Respect – treat the individual with respect, for they had the courage to tell you about their condition in the first place. If possible, make a welcome place for them in your heart as well as a welcome physical location, since such places will be few and far between in their world. Trust - the time ahead will probably be very turbulent and extremely emotional for everyone, but the person who is central to all this turmoil, is certain of the decisions they need to make and where they want to go in the near and distant future. With your help, and trusting the individual is making the correct choices, your support will give some re-assurance that the decisions are the right ones for the situation Much has been written about trying to put yourself in the other person’s place, so you can understand what the transsexual has already gone through, is going through, and what the future will bring. This is an admirable goal for someone to try and attain. However, in very few, almost rare instances, can this ever be achieved. To try and understand such a complex depth of human emotion and feeling is a difficult task, without trying to empathize with the condition. By being a supportive person, who cares, and is prepared to accept the individual as they are and are about to become, is a great benefit to their leading a normal productive life.
Finally, just as a small gesture of kindness, a small token or gift, appropriate to the persons desired gender, would be more than appreciated, and you may well discover that the person is much happier and giving of themselves, than you had ever previously experienced. We wish you both well on this path of discovery and hope that this booklet has been of practical value. Terms of reference Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) A term used by the medical profession to describe people who have a diagnosable condition which is causing mental or physical distress Gender re-assignment – a term sometime also referred to as gender or sex change Transperson _ a general name used to describe a person who is about to start or is in transition from male>female (mtf) or female>male (ftm) Contacts or informative sources The Sandyford Clinic Tel nr. 0141 211 8137 website www.nhsggc.org.uk Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh Little France (Lyndsey Myskow) Tel nr. 0131 242 2515 LGBT Centre (Edinburgh) Tel nr. 0131 523 1100 website: www.lgbthealth.org.uk Scottish Transgender Alliance Tel nr. 07020 933952 website: www.scottishtrans.org This booklet has been produced in association with:-
Ms Allana Strain Ms Alexandra Young This booklet is part of a series to help a Transgender person to adjust themselves and those with whom they associate, to maintain a dignified and useful presence in their community and help Scotland to become an aware, diverse and non prejudicial society.
We welcome any comments, thoughts or ideas to increase the range and diversity of information, and would ask you to contact the following websites:-
www.crosslynx.org.uk
Please be advised that we offer this advice and advise that we accept no legal liability in respect of any information provided.
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CROSSLYNX BOOKLET TO HELP FAMILIES UNDERSTAND |
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(all links in this section have been disabled ) This booklet is now also available in printed format |
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END |
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Supporting the Transgender Community in Glasgow and the West of Scotland |
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Crosslynx. Transgender Group |